So many years have passed since I’ve used this website, and I have been debating whether or not to delete the old posts (I still might). For now though, they will stay.
It seems that a lifetime has come and gone since the last updates here. Supporting that young gymnast out of her sport and back into mainstream school, highschool-middle school-and more years in elementary for all my kids, graduation and launching off to college, divorce, the search for meaningful (and liveable waged) work, more schooling for me and more leaning in to God’s provision, dating again for the first time in 20 years, single parenting, coparenting, almost dying from a scary blood clot. Just so many things, so much life- so many big moments of joy and so many heartbreaking moments of loss as well. There is no way I can mention all of it, but as the stories have relevance and I see that they may be of some encouragement- I’ll share them with you all.
Today I want to tell you about a dream I had a couple of weeks ago.
I was on a dock, laying on my stomach holding onto this giant rope- like the rope climbing ropes from PE in elementary school. At the end of the rope, down in the water was a big anchor- and it represented two things. My dream to become an architect, and my desire to have an equal partner, lover, mate. I was holding on with all my might and the rope was slipping with the weight of the anchor and tearing up my hands. I was straining, gripping with all my might, all the while thinking “am I even supposed to be holding on to these things anymore?”
So while I’m laying there holding on to this anchor, God shows up and tells me it’s time to let go.
And I’m laying there sweating trying to hold on to these two dreams. And I look down at the end of the rope and I can see the anchor barely. I see it and I’m struggling against the weight of it, and realize that He’s right. It’s time to let go. And I didn’t want to- I’ve fought HARD in life to hold on to those two things. My own dream for my future, and my own dream for a mate.
But I let go of the rope. And God said to me in my dream- “You don’t need to hold onto these things, I will fight for you”.
And the next morning, I woke up feeling free. Not sad. And literally the way I was holding onto those two dreams is changed forever. And I knew that part of what God said to me is a scripture so I looked it up when I woke up that morning. It’s exodus 14:13. And in the version I looked up- it said basically “I will fight for you, you only need to be silent”. That is particular to that translation- bc in most it ends with “be still”.
But lately the theme of silence is strong in my life and so I’ve taken it to heart.
It seems that no matter how much I pour out my heart to God, as long as I’m speaking, I can’t also be listening. And when life gets really tough and the path gets harder to see- it’s the whisper of God I need most. Not more of my own lamenting.
And so here I am. On a completely new path, finding one footstep at a time, and taking them in faith that my feet will meet solid ground as I stride forward. I’ll share more over the coming days and weeks about what this new path looks like.