College drop off

Once upon a time I was a stay at home mom with one, then two, then three and eventually four kiddos that followed me like ducklings just about everywhere I went. Those were some of the most challenging years of my life, for many reasons- but oh my gosh I adored being able to be home with my babies.

Here I am, 9 months pregnant with Amai (baby #1)

I had a girl first, and when we found out I was having a boy, I truly felt like a fish out of water. What in the world would I do with a boy? I only knew girl things.

Heading into the hospital to be induced for that sweet boy:

And then there he was in my arms. He locked eyes with me and it was like he was talking to me from that very moment on. Over the years he talked more at times, less at others- each stage of his life has been very distinct, with twists and turns and ups and downs allll along the way.

The biggest prayer I have for my children is that they have a growing relationship with Christ by the time they leave home. There were plenty of times with my oldest two where I truly wondered if they would ever truly pursue Him on their own. Life is challenging for teens these days- there are so many competing, LOUD voices and constant input that tells them other things are more fulfilling. Sometimes, I’ve felt like those voices had the W with my kids.

But they haven’t.

I have seen the goodness of God and am so thankful for all the ways these two have begun to pursue Him on their own. And I learned early on that even the kids that don’t force us to our knees actually need us to be there anyway. So I’ll keep on praying for my babies as they are now turning into adults and spreading their wings to fly. It’s never easy to see them go, but I am so excited and happy for them too.

And here’s Asher and his roomie- friends since kindergarten :)

Hacking Coughs and Handel's Messiah

Social media is a funny thing. I posted this pic after going to Handel’s Messiah last night with my boyfriend and quickly got several messages about how happy I look, how sweet the pic is, how happy everyone is for me. It was awesome!

In full transparency though, I think this pic captures one of the only times I smiled all night. I caught a cold over the weekend and it immediately settled into my lungs. I wasn’t in the best frame of mind and on the way to the event, we had a heavy conversation I didn’t see coming. Because of my cold and the overwhelming need to cough every time I exhale, I sat there practically emotionless all night. I was a barrel of fun. And between yesterday and today, I’ve consumed an entire bag of cough drops- half of which I may have consumed during the performance. Yummmm.

The posts- the constant smiles and curated content, the perfection- it doesn’t exist. Happy lives and joy filled romances? Absolutely! Always smiling, everything always peachy? No.

I wonder- have we forgotten that it’s ok to be real? The raw moments of life will rarely get you many “likes” but I feel like they are what shape and sculpt us into something closer to what God has in mind to grow us up to be. The struggles, the waiting periods, the moments of true endurance- that is where the anvil of our soul meets the hot metal in the fire that is being hammered and formed into something truly beautiful and useful. The real challenge is to not jump out of the fire, to be willing to wait for the process to complete. And in the process, we don’t have to appear perfect.

I’m going to go eat some more cough drops, wish me luck.

Timeless

I had lunch with one of my lifelong best friends this weekend. We haven’t seen each other much in years, but we were able to reconnect when Amai went to college since my friend and her family live there in the same city. It was like no time had passed- apart from having to fill in lots of gaps of time and details that we didn’t get to live through together (and keep asking each other if we’d already told this story because we are getting a tiny bit older haha).

She is the same beautiful soul who witnessed every one of my angsty teen years. (She witnessed the beginning of my killer crush on Jimmy- the cello player wearing the peach colored shirt at 7th grade orchestra camp.) We laughed til we cried together more times than I can count. We eventually went over and over every detail about the boys we wanted to date and weren’t dating, as well as the boys we did date and occasionally dumped. We shared the highs and lows of being part of a super competitive and highly talented high school orchestra (yes we were orch dorks together.) We went on orchestra trips and roomed together every time. We worked through arguments when they happened and somehow remained soul close, even all these years later. She was a steady source of rock solid devotion, love and belief in me.

So there we were at lunch. And she’s going through something hard. It was almost like the words she was speaking were words I had etched on a piece of paper in the past and folded time in such a way that the voice of the aches of my own soul so many years ago came floating right out of her mouth. So many of the same questions and heartaches I’ve gone through, the longing for direction and answers. And I hope that some of the wisdom and growth I’ve experienced through my own trials were able to be a buoy to her as she is floating in a sea I somehow escaped. I cannot reel her in, she will have to learn how to swim. But I can certainly keep coming to the dock and throwing her more buoys. She might not know it yet, but she will reach the shore and be ok. I know she will.

Friends are a true treasure in life. I’m so very thankful that I have several I can trace back to my very young years. What an incredible gift.